But you are so fat!!!!
But You Are Too Fat!
“If you just lose weight…”
“IT is all because of the weight…”
“Are you aware you are overweight?…”
“If you would only exercise more…”
“You need to eat healthier…”
Sound familiar? Time after time, I get the distinct impression that many doctors and nurses cannot see beyond my weight. Yes, I am “obese”. I always have been.
It never kept me from being extremely active, however! Backpacking, camping, fishing, hiking, carrying furniture, cutting and splitting wood, and any one of a hundred other activities one can do in living one’s life.
And then the pain struck. Suddenly even walking was difficult. Every day became a battle to merely keep moving. More and more time was spent curled up in a ball, or laying on my side in bed. More and more nights spent the same way. It has been a losing battle.
Unfortunately, because of the pain, my activity level is far below ‘sedentary’. 50 steps a day. Maybe. So I gained about 70 pounds over ten years. And plateaued at 365-ish pounds. And there I stayed. I cut out carbs. I shrank my portion sizes drastically. Nothing mattered. Not being able to move meant that in order to lose weight, I would just have to stop eating. Period.
This was proven last year when they took away all of my pain meds over the course of 3 weeks. From 400 mg of morphine a day, to NOTHING. I lost 60 pounds in about a month and a half. Better than a pound a day. The effect on my pain? NOTHING. If anything, I hurt *worse*! (Possibly due to the lack of any ‘insulation’ around my damaged left hip/pelvis.)
They restarted the minimum possible pain meds. Just barely enough to keep me from opening a vein. Just. (Don’t think it doesn’t cross my mind daily.)
So, after waiting for the better part of a year to die, I have decided to let them hack me open yet again. They will cut my stomach away and leave a small tube in its place. It really won’t change my eating much, as I don’t really eat more than a few bites at a time as it is.
I feel little need to feed this broken body that is holding my spirit hostage and in pain…
It is what it is.
I am so desperate for better pain relief I am willing to let them cut pieces of me away. To let them basically make my body starve itself. They call this kind of ‘treatment’ “Malabsorption surgery”. It is implied that the only reason you are overweight, fat, obese, is because you eat too much. Because you have no self-control!
R-i-g-h-t. That is what it is… *Eyeroll*
So in a month I have an appointment to start the ‘program’ which should culminate in them cutting away my stomach. Then I should lose weight. Should.
I wonder just what they will say when they can no longer hide their refusal to treat my pain behind the image of my weight?
I just wonder…