“Why are you still alive? What keeps you going?”

Saturday, February 8, 2014

Why the Hell Do I Go On?

My therapist gave me ‘homework’ a short while ago.  I have thought about it for a while, mulled it over, and here is my response:

Why haven’t you committed suicide?”
Why are you still alive? What keeps you going?

Tough questions.

As many of you know, I lost most (all for a time) of the pain medications that I use to brace against this terrible pain I live in.  Every jagged breath is salted with pain, and every heartbeat is tinged with agony. Day after day, hour after hour, and minute after minute; the pain is there.  Malevolent. Cruel. Unyielding.

A year and a bit ago, I put the barrel of a loaded gun in my mouth in preparation for ending my life.  I was saved by a Private Message asking me to give the cause of those like myself without pain treatment a day. Maybe two. I figured one day wouldn’t *really* matter….
It has been a little over 400 days since….

People in pain in this country are in dire straits.  Finding a doctor to treat chronic, intractable pain is becoming harder and harder to do, and even if found, there is a very good chance that they will not be able to purchase their medicines even if they get a scrip!  It is a nightmare!

No one WANTS to be in pain.  None of us WANTS to take high dose opioids.
We do everything in our power to fight on our own, and only break down to see a doctor as a last resort. As a last cry out for help before the Pain Wins and we end our lives to stop the agony.

To have them refuse to treat us seems like confirmation that our lives are not worth anything!  Like we don’t matter!  Like we somehow deserved our fate!


So I do what I can to reach out to the thousands of people left to cry out in their pain, alone, with no one left to hear their faint cries.  Sometimes just an acknowledgment that people are listening can be enough. Sometimes it isn’t, to our society’s loss.

Suicide rates among pain sufferers are WAY up. Astronomically.
Illicit drug use is way up as well, as people seek *some* kind of relief.  (Heroin use among those over 40 yrs of age has more than doubled in four or five years… that should tell you something.)

These aren’t ADDICTS, they are people in PAIN, desperate for just a few moments relief!!

So that is reason one, I guess.

Second, is the woman I love.  She has been by my side through everything, including this terrible journey of the past year and a half.  Over the days, I have lost more and more of my mobility. More and more of my strength. More and more of myself.  I feel like an empty husk. Like a faint glimmer of who I was or could be.

It would be oh so easy to slip away into the ether!
To fade the rest of the way into the darkness!
To give up and let the pain take my final breaths.
To finally find relief!
So easy…….

But I made a promise to my dearest Love. My best friend.
I promised I would try and keep fighting, and if I felt myself ready to take that final step, I would tell her.
I would give the system one more chance.
(The same system that has slapped me down at every turn. That has betrayed my trust and caused me untold eons of misery. That system.)

But I owe her.  So I keep breathing. I keep trying. Long past my Point of No Return…

As a man of Faith, I used to think that no believer in Christ could really commit suicide.  Now I know better.  My God and Master are loving enough to understand that every person has their breaking point. Every person has their limit of endurance. Their limit of agony.

I have had to so withdraw from the world, that the only ones to be effected were I to cease breathing would be my immediate family.  I cast no shadow. I affect no lives. I effect no response from the society I live in. I no longer count. It is what it is. *sigh*

The third reason?
If I die with narcotics in my system, the DEA will list my death as Drug Related and will use it to continue to create a false narrative that the drugs themselves took my life.



I am a little angry.

I no longer “Hope for a brighter future.”
I have no hope left.
I know, as certainly as the sun rises every day, that the pain will take my life.  Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But soon.  Almost certainly within the year.  Or the season.  I can feel it. Like some giant clock beating in the back of my mind… SOONSOONSOONSOON

My wife carries our hope. I just don’t have anything but tears and numbness left. And nothing but time to stare out into that frozen darkness that is calling my name…



~ by daveprime on February 8, 2014.

4 Responses to ““Why are you still alive? What keeps you going?””

  1. The first thing that I want to say is that YOU DO COUNT. I don’t even know you, but I do know that you count. I feel the exact same way. I understand every word you wrote here. The pain is agonizing, I live it every day. There’s even a surgery that would help one of my conditions causing some of the pain. Every little bit would help, but no one will touch me again, as far as surgery is concerned. My narcotics no longer work. Instead of upping the dose, of which I’ve already done that in the past only to end up starting all over, I asked my doctor if she could get me a TENS unit and my GI doctor put me on some medication, non narcotic, to supposedly help with the pain. I’m being told, now, that my insurance company won’t pay for any type of durable medical equipment without a special consideration authorization. OK, can’t you get that for me, doctor? We’re working on it, I keep being told. To hell with it, up the narcotics and eventually I’ll end up right back on the opiates and other narcotics I was on before, the ones that damn near killed me. Fine with me. Remember, doctor, the one medication you said that made me “crazy”? Yeah, that one. I’ve been hospitalized several times for “suicidal ideation.” Why the hell I go on? I don’t know. Upstairs, in my bed, all day, every day except for appointments, here I lay suffering. Does anyone give a shit? I don’t think they do. I try sometimes to be positive, but for what? I know nothing is going to get any better, ever. I really don’t exist to anyone anymore. I was always a very outgoing, social, people person before I became this sick, now no one gives a shit. No one even remembers me. Sigh…………… it’s the worst feeling ever. Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and that there are people out here like me that do understand and walk the journey with you. It sucks, I won’t deny that, but it’s better to walk the journey with others than to walk it alone. I don’t trust myself to own a gun, you know why. I also have a wonderful husband that takes very good care of me, but there’s one thing he can’t do, and he would if he could, and that is to take this agonizing pain away, forever. I’m here if you ever want to talk, vent or whatever. Just remember you DO count…………………………………………

    • Thank you.

      • and you STILL COUNT today. I hope you are having a “good” day. I’ve been away for awhile getting a feeding tube and spent 16 nights in the hospital. Keep on hanging on, it can only get better. 🙂 I’m really trying to practice what I preach, myself. LOL 🙂

  2. You’re quite welcome. Hope you are having a somewhat decent day. Sending some good healing energy your way. 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: