The Sun Sets….
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
I was sitting up last night…
Pondering through the last few months
Of agonizing pain, and lack of choices,
And decided to pick apart a few thoughts.
For some reason, I have been unable/unwilling
To call the *last* pain doctor in town to set an appointment.
It has been over a month,
And every time I pick up my phone I just… can’t.
I didn’t really look too close out it,
Being afraid of what I might find.
Don’t get me wrong,
I am an able procrastinator.
But this wasn’t about that….
I am afraid.
Not of the doctor, really, or the visit.
I am afraid that they won’t be able to help,
Or won’t be willing to.
That will burn my last bridge.
My last opportunity for change.
My final “Hope”,
If I had any of that left by this point.
The only thing keeping me from …
Is the slightest shred of the tiniest possibility
That there might be some thing or some one
Able and willing to stem the pain.
Remove that, and…
It would be a short time
Before I offed myself in some
Unique and spectacular way.
And then there is the other reason…
I am waiting for death.
Every night when I go to sleep,
I hope not to wake up.
Every day as I sit in my chair,
I am waiting for death’s chill touch.
Hoping for it.
Longing for it.
And doing everything within my power
Not to give in to it’s call.
How messed up is that?
The DEA’s war on pain patients and the Medicines they use
Has REAL victims.
I am only one of them….
And through it all, I worry for all of the others…
Stuck in, or falling into the same kind of place as I…