The Waiting Game

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

So.
It has now been a year since the subbed me completely off my pain meds.
A year ago I was on 360mg of morphine a day, and could almost function.
Imagine what it is like at 45 mg a day.
And all I can come up with is a “NO fair!”.
That’s it. Meh.

I have the number of a possible doctor I cannot seem to bring myself to call.
A full on ethics complaint I cannot seem to mail.
Alternative pain treatments I cannot bring myself to use.
I am… On hold.

Every morning/night I wake up and…
Vegetate.
Sit and think of… nothing.
And hope that today I will stop living.

At least then, there would be an end to this..
Purgatory.
This unending grind against time.
This…..Living death.

All of my goodbyes have been said.
All or most of my ‘Important things’ done.
(At least as well as I am able anymore…)
All the reading finished.
All the goals accomplished.

I cannot find a path.
I cannot re-engage with the world around me.
I have no future,
Just an eternity of painful seconds to endure.

So I sit here waiting…
Yearning…
Begging…
To die.

And all the while,
The voice of my former pain doctor rings through:
“…For your own good.”

Riiiiiiight.

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~ by daveprime on September 24, 2013.

3 Responses to “The Waiting Game”

  1. I can be of help if you want to talk ever.. I am not only going through the same emotions and feelings, but I have also lost someone I loved deeply to suicide. I have a very hard, first hand, out look from both sides. I like to think this is the only reason I am still here… that his death, in some twisted way, had a purpose. But I am here to talk… You know my FB 🙂

    • Thank you! Sometimes it help just to whine to someone who won’t just blurt out pithy “It’s gonna be all right!” type sayings.

    • You’ll have to send me a friend request on Fb. (If you can put up with my oddnessity.) 😀

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