The Pain Wins

Last night I had a dream where I had a stroke. I couldn’t see out of my left eye, and barely out of my right. I couldn’t find my way…. I was lost, and no one would help me.

It took *forever* to figure out it was a dream…

But it is a pretty apt way for how I feel. I am lost in the Dark, and cannot find my path.

For the past ten years, I have always been able to ‘cheat’ my illnesses or damage.
I could find some kind of ‘workaround’.

But all of that changed 9 months ago.
I lost my ability to hold back the pain.
And the Pain won, hands down.
I reached the point where I would rather end my life than face that pain
Another moment.
Another minute.
Another day.

Nothing has changed.

I have spent the last 9 months striving to find *some* way
Some path.
Some other option.
To change that mind set.
But to no avail.
The Pain still wins.

Every morning, bright and early,
When no other souls are around and moving,
I make a conscious choice…

Is today The Day I end my life?

And then, every single morning I answer “not today.”

I sit somewhere dark and still

And cry.

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~ by daveprime on July 12, 2013.

4 Responses to “The Pain Wins”

  1. Can I just say that reading your posts has done so much for me in the last 10 minutes since I discovered your blog. It is nice not to feel so alone in my pain, anger, and feeling of “uns”. As odd as it may sound, and not to wish any illness on you, but your frustrations comfort mine. Simply because I feel less alone. Thank you.

    • That is certainly one of the reasons i do it. Being in pain is a dark and lonely path. We cut ourselves off from most everyone in an attempt not to broadcast our pain. Unfortunately that also makes it impossible for us to get the help and comfort of the ones who would be willing and eager to do so…

      • I cut myself off from the man who stood next to me (not without our issues, of course) for two years. I regret it every day, and now spend my nights alone, in pain, and miserable.

      • I am *so* sorry.
        Pain makes us isolate ourselves.
        Devours our joy and friendships.
        Until there is nothing left but an empty husk.

        If you can, reach out to those who love you.
        As hard as it is to watch them watching you hurting,
        It is precious and worth every moment.
        *Gentle hugs*

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