The Pain Wins
Last night I had a dream where I had a stroke. I couldn’t see out of my left eye, and barely out of my right. I couldn’t find my way…. I was lost, and no one would help me.
It took *forever* to figure out it was a dream…
But it is a pretty apt way for how I feel. I am lost in the Dark, and cannot find my path.
For the past ten years, I have always been able to ‘cheat’ my illnesses or damage.
I could find some kind of ‘workaround’.
But all of that changed 9 months ago.
I lost my ability to hold back the pain.
And the Pain won, hands down.
I reached the point where I would rather end my life than face that pain
Nothing has changed.
I have spent the last 9 months striving to find *some* way
Some other option.
To change that mind set.
But to no avail.
The Pain still wins.
Every morning, bright and early,
When no other souls are around and moving,
I make a conscious choice…
Is today The Day I end my life?
And then, every single morning I answer “not today.”
I sit somewhere dark and still