My Story Part V: T-Minus 7 Days and Counting…..
Saturday, December 8, 2012
I met with the county health clinic doctor on Thursday to discuss them taking over both my pain care and my general health issues. The doctor was very kind and patiently explained that, yes, they would take care of and become my primary health provider. So that part is good, I guess.
She then went on to say that while she hadn’t yet read through all of the 8 inch high stack of paperwork/records she had received, she had started to do so. She still believes that my pain clinic should be handling my pain care (ie narcotics) and didn’t understand why they had chosen *NO* treatment options when it was removed, but she was going to call and try and get a hold of both the NP-C and Pain Doctor and discuss it with them. (Find out what they were thinking.)
She said that while there were some things they couldn’t do (high narcotics) they *could* try a few other things. Unfortunately, I am familiar, and have already tried, most of the non-narcotics, meditation, cognitive behavioral therapy, etc without much luck. But, she thinks that perhaps things may have changed and we have nothing to lose by trying them again. So be it.
She also said I needed to continue losing weight. No kidding! I asked her how I was supposed to do so when my activity level is ZERO due to pain and I am eating *at most* 12-14 *BITES* of food a day. She didn’t have any answer. (Though she brought up aquatic therapy…. Sure, I could move easier in water, but the after-pain would be so bad that I would be screaming. *Facepalm* ) So I suppose food is out for the next week or so. I’m tired of the nausea and vomiting anyway. A 7-day fast never killed anyone, right?
I reminded her I would be out of meds (pain meds) a week from yesterday. (Friday, 7Dec.) I am pretty self-aware. I *know* what will happen if I try and fight out the high pain again. I’ll lose.
She had no answer, and had me talk to the Community Health Advocate about finding a psychiatrist and counselor. So be it.
I have no problem jumping through hoops provided I will receive *SOME* kind of relief for doing so! Mindless red tape is something I frankly have little time or patience for at this point and time. I am on a short timer. It is what it is.
So…. The Doctor started me on 300mg of gabapentin 3 times a day, and said she will cut it down if it knocks me out. I started with my first dose this morning at 8am.
I have an appointment with the surgeon about the hernia surgery on Tues (12- 11-2012) and I meet with this same Primary care Doc on Thursday (12-13-2012). Until then… we wait.
I have heard nothing on the letters to my old doctors about getting a wheelchair. Like usual.
I am a realist, folks. I *know* the odds of even having the new clinic continue even the (minor) regimen the Psych Center doctors put me on. I have fought everyday since I got out to hold. To hang on. Just in case someone out there actually chooses to help me. But Shawna now holds our hope. I have none left. I know all too well what my chances are… and how things will most likely play out.
We will know by next Friday morning, Dec 14, how things will play out. That is when I run out of pain meds. Period. And the other things they are trying are like trying to stop a speeding cargo train with a fly swatter. There is a *Reason* I was placed on high opioid therapy/maintenance for so long. Frankly, my pain levels are so high, very little else has any plausible chance of working! Oh, I will go through all of the motions; Attend any/all therapy appointments and whatnot.
But at the end of the day, I will *Still* have to try and deal with this unyielding pain! And I already *KNOW* what will happen then. With absolutely *NO* doubt. Everything I care about or love will mean *Nothing*. Neither will any of my future plans, friendships or any ensuing consequences. All that will matter is bringing an end to the pain. Period. The Pain wins. Takes one more victim of this War on Pain. End of (my) Story.
So be it.
So that’s where we stand. Or lay. Or…. Yeah.
And the timer runs….
We shall see what we shall see.