Back To My Old Self? Perhaps…

First, Let me start off by saying I’m Sorry.
I know that recently,
I scared and concerned many of you.
And I apologize for that….

I was talking on the phone with my Father this afternoon
When He said something that took me off guard;
“You look better than I have seen you in a long time.”
And…
“You have more energy, seem to be in higher spirits…”
And so forth.
You get the idea.

Hmmm.
It has been banging around inside my
Hollow skull ever since….
I look “Better”…. really?
REALLY??!

Unbelievable.
And Scary.
Because I *know* what that means.
So would any first year psychology student.

But maybe I am being too critical.
Worrying too much…
I tend to over-think things on occasion.
So I sat back and thought about it for a while today…

Is my mask really *that* good,
That my own ‘Father’ cannot read what is percolating
Just below the calm-seeming surface of his youngest son?
Wow.
Just….. Wow.

Look,
I know that everyone out there is tired of hearing about my assorted woes,
How bad I think I have it.
How terribly I feel I am being treated.
How *unfair* it all is.

I get it. I do.

It is tiring to *me* as well
To keep saying something about it!
Then why do I keep doing so,
Even when it seems to distance me from some of those
Very people I would like most to have in my life?

Good question,
(He says to his deranged self…)

I think most of it is simply…
Side leakage.
Letting out the barest glimmers
Of the despair and pain,
We ‘Broken’ carry in our hearts every second,
Of every minute, of every day….

I *try* to sound and be optimistic,
With all of my heart I do…
But there is just *so* much hurt…
So much PAIN.
And the darkness overwhelms me at times.

“I’m Sorry” isn’t nearly strong enough
To cover the regret I feel
When *my* pain
Drives away someone else who is hurting.

I don’t blame them for a *second* for
Needing to back away a little.
Or a lot.
Truly, I don’t.

They are already carrying their *own* load
Of Anguish and Pain.
There is just very little they can actually *Do*
Other than share in my pain.

Sometimes, our *own* pain is too much,
How much more so it becomes when the ones
We care about, are in pain as well?

They say “Misery Loves Company.”
Perhaps so.
But not at *these* levels.
Not at these total depths of despair.

Often we Broken
Can draw strength from one another.
Become together, “more than the sum of our parts.”
Buoy each other through our darkest times.

But not *always*.
Not when one of us reaches their Breaking Point,
And all we can do is *wish* we could
Reach out across the miles and comfort them,
Even though we are in desperate need of some comforting
Ourselves…..

I am well versed in the mental acrobatics humans often go through
When reaching the point of Self Annihilation. Suicide. Euthanasia.
Many fancy words for one simple thing:
Death by one’s own hand.

The stages they go through are very similar to those
One travels when grieving a great loss.
And justifiably so.
The person *is* grieving a great loss.
Their *own* life and future.

First they are in shock.
They ask themselves, How they could have ended up at this point?

Then they get *Angry*.
How *Dare* they be left to hurt like this?

Then they weep.
Long hot crying jags that seem to never end…

Until there are no more tears, only…
Numbness. “Flat affect” the head-shrinkers call it.
They are a robot. Just going through the motions.

They have reached beyond themselves and no longer care anymore.

Then, they reach their breaking point.
That point where Death actually *is* a better option,
Than continuing to live in this soul-searing agony.
They cannot. Will not. Same thing.

So they come up with a Plan.
They answer all of the how, why, where, and whens.
Get their affairs in order.

They make a point of calling, writing, or seeing
Those people who matter in their lives
“One Last Time.”

And it is at that point something really odd happens…

They seem *Happy* once more.
They suddenly have energy again.
Their smile returns. The sparkle in their eye.
They Laugh, Joke, and behave,
Like the person they were *before* the pain…
Before they became “Broken”.

This occurs because they know the end is in sight.
They know relief is coming. Soon.
Finally.
As soon as their “suicide clock” ticks down to Zero.

They are no longer at the whim
Of other people or ‘fate’.
And they feel freer than they ever have before, perhaps.

But behind their eyes,
The timer is counting silently down.
And when it hits the magic number they have chosen,
They extinguish their own spark.
They stop their own pain.
They kill themselves.

Because living in this kind of Agony,
Has already killed all of their Hopes.
All of their Dreams.
All of what made them, Them.

They don’t just “attempt” suicide.
The time for “cries for help” having long since been breached.
This is no spur of the moment decision they made in a huff, either.
No, this is a carefully considered and planned…
Self-eradication.

I read somewhere that there are something on the order
Of 24 *Million* people in this country alone
That suffer daily from severe, intractable Pain.

Of that number, 14-24 percent have considered or planned
Their own suicide.
In the last 12 months alone.

Think about those numbers for a moment…..

That means that over Three *MILLION* people a year,
Living in this kind of pain seriously consider death
To bring an end to their suffering.
And that was over Five Years Ago!

One can only imagine how much worse it is
Now that the DEA is crucifying Pain Doctors
For the terrible “crime” of actually *Treating*
These hurting people!

How many are successful?
No one seems to know.
But the greatest travesty is that the DEA
Uses every single death linked to Narcotics,
Whether medically necessary or not, to “Prescription Drug Abuse”,
And uses those numbers to harm even *More* of our fellow citizens.

I just spent a week in the mental health ward of our county hospital.
There were around twenty other patients there with me.
Of those, FOUR were there due to pain related depression.
Four.

And *That* is the reality we face in America today.

Oh!
Have you noticed how happy and full of energy I am of late?
I have.

Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick…..

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~ by daveprime on November 27, 2012.

4 Responses to “Back To My Old Self? Perhaps…”

  1. I think it horrible when those you think are there for you are not in these tough times…sick of hearing abbout *it* a true friend, someone who truly cares would choose empathy, not sympathy and stand by you, me, them, us, the broken. Don’t be sorry. Keep talking, writing, Dave.

    • Thanks, Tyla.

      I’ve read some of your blog. I know the heartache you have experienced and so that means a lot coming from someone whom has experienced that kind of isolation. ❤

      I think this whole situation, as far down the path I am, is just too much for some to take.

      They just don't want to believe that the system could fail us so bitterly.

      But it does so. On a daily basis and in *every* state.

  2. Dave-

    First, I want to say-as much as I know you don’t want to hear it anymore-that I TRULY am sorry for the pain you feel-both physically & emotionally. I’m right there with you & in an odd sort of way, the whole “misery loves company” thing DOES come into play because it does sorta help me to know that I’m not alone in this state of existence (because we surely know it is NOT “living”). But I also wanted to say that reading this brought tears to my eyes (hell, they weren’t just in my eyes-they were, & are, streaming down my face). It’s as if you’ve been given a window in which to be able to see inside my brain, my heart, my soul….& you’ve said EXACTLY what I think & feel-day in & day out.

    You are not alone my fellow sufferer. You are NOT alone. I just wanted to let you know that (& to attempt to say it without using all of “those” words that we “broken” hate so much: “I’m sorry”; “I wish I could help you”; “I wish I could take your pain away for you”….because I know that, while those who say such things to us certainly MEAN well…it doesn’t help & sometimes can even make us more upset than we already are).

    Gentle Hugs & Much Love,
    -Tanya

    • Sometimes it takes someone that has been through the same Hell to hear all of the nuances we put in our speech. We *say* these same words to the “Normals”, but they do not, *Can* not hear them. There are so few points of reference to draw from!! It is a *HARD* journey, and every step of the way is littered with broken glass and old rusty nails.

      I am sorry you are in this terrible place as well. Since the 22nd of September, I have been focused on trying to get the *Normals* to HEAR us. To *Really* understand just how difficult our paths are. How lonely. How frigging HARD. Ugh!

      Thank you for reading my stuff. Feel free to share it whenever and wherever you think it might help someone else on our journey. (Or someone not yet walking our dark path that can make things even *slightly* better for people like us!)
      After all, we aren’t asking to be “whole”. We know that isn’t practical. But even a *slight* reduction in our torment can be all it takes to bring us back over the line into feeling like more than a wounded animal.

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