A Guttering Spark In The Darkness…
November 10, 2012, 12:08 PM
As an intractable pain patient..
We must often make choices that we do not like.
Do things we find painful…
Take things we would normally walk across the street to stay away from..
Discuss our personal ‘business’ with total strangers..
Give up those things we love
Simply to make it through another 24 hours..
Our future dreams,
Our very *selves*
Are sacrificed on the altar of pain…
The current situation created by the DEA’s
Misguided “War on Pain Medicines”
And the doctors and patients that use them
Has created a truly *horrific*
Landscape for we “walking wounded”.
We are destroyed from a distance..
Condemned with the stroke of a pen…
Killed bit by bit..
By the untrue perception of what this medicine truly *is*…
And such is the case in my own life…
I am virtually “untouchable” by the Medical Establishment.
Toxic to the career of any caring healthcare worker to treat.
Locked out as too high risk..
Too dangerous to touch…
I never before thought that such a thing could happen,
I taught my children that such things *never* happened in our time.
100 years or more ago? Sure…
But *today*? No way!
A hard learned lesson, I guess.
And so I am once more at a cross-roads…
Always before, there were at least tenable options.
“Lesser” evils to choose from. But no longer..
I have come to the crux of my existence..
Before me, I see nothing but a wasteland of pain and agony..
Accentuated occasionally by glimmers of sorrow and loss…
Bitter darkness and nothing but PAIN…
Yet for the love of those that love me
I should somehow
“Find a way”..
To endure beyond human endurance..
The thing I fear most is *not* death.
I am fully secure in what I face there.
It is *well* defined and known to me now.
Perhaps better than those who have never been this close to it…
Even should I find the way..
Legal or not…
To endure and survive…
I fear it will not be *me* that does so…
Oh, the *body* may be the same..
The face as well..
The sound of the laugh, no different..
The gentle touch of the hand unchanged..
That special *spark* that *is* me..
Will forever be destroyed..
Leaving only a doppelganger in its place..
A cracked porcelain mask..
A well crafted, yet soulless simulacrum.
*I* will be gone..
This person may family knew and loved
The friend I had become to many
The laughing fat man so many knew
Or knew of…
Dissolved into the black mist..
And the only place it will probably show…
Is in the back of the eyes…
Way, *way* back,
Where I currently reside…
That light that draws souls to me…
That little glimmer that is *me*…
That spot will be…
Whether I kill my body..
Stop this eternal suffering…
Or merely allow it to go on..
Without me at the controls…
Either way.. *I* will be dead.
And very few will ever
Even know the difference…