A Guttering Spark In The Darkness…

November 10, 2012, 12:08 PM

As an intractable pain patient..
We must often make choices that we do not like.
Do things we find painful…
Take things we would normally walk across the street to stay away from..
Discuss our personal ‘business’ with total strangers..
Give up those things we love
Simply to make it through another 24 hours..

Our future dreams,
Our plans..
Our very *selves*
Are sacrificed on the altar of pain…

The current situation created by the DEA’s
Misguided “War on Pain Medicines”
And the doctors and patients that use them
Has created a truly *horrific*
Landscape for we “walking wounded”.

We are destroyed from a distance..
Condemned with the stroke of a pen…
Killed bit by bit..
By the untrue perception of what this medicine truly *is*…

And such is the case in my own life…

I am virtually “untouchable” by the Medical Establishment.
Toxic to the career of any caring healthcare worker to treat.
Locked out as too high risk..
Too dangerous to touch…

I never before thought that such a thing could happen,
I taught my children that such things *never* happened in our time.
100 years or more ago? Sure…
But *today*? No way!
A hard learned lesson, I guess.

And so I am once more at a cross-roads…
Always before, there were at least tenable options.
“Lesser” evils to choose from. But no longer..

I have come to the crux of my existence..
Before me, I see nothing but a wasteland of pain and agony..
Accentuated occasionally by glimmers of sorrow and loss…
Bitter darkness and nothing but PAIN…

Yet for the love of those that love me
I should somehow
“Find a way”..

To live..
To love..
To laugh..
To speak..

To endure beyond human endurance..

The thing I fear most is *not* death.
I am fully secure in what I face there.
It is *well* defined and known to me now.
Perhaps better than those who have never been this close to it…

Even should I find the way..
Legal or not…
To endure and survive…
I fear it will not be *me* that does so…

Oh, the *body* may be the same..
The face as well..
The sound of the laugh, no different..
The gentle touch of the hand unchanged..
But inside..

That special *spark* that *is* me..
Will forever be destroyed..
Leaving only a doppelganger in its place..
A puppet..
A cracked porcelain mask..
A well crafted, yet soulless simulacrum.

*I* will be gone..
This person may family knew and loved
The friend I had become to many
The laughing fat man so many knew
Or knew of…

Dissolved into the black mist..

And the only place it will probably show…
Is in the back of the eyes…
Way, *way* back,
Where I currently reside…
That light that draws souls to me…
That little glimmer that is *me*…

That spot will be…

Whether I kill my body..
Stop this eternal suffering…
Or merely allow it to go on..
Without me at the controls…

Either way.. *I* will be dead.

And very few will ever
Even know the difference…


~ by daveprime on November 10, 2012.

2 Responses to “A Guttering Spark In The Darkness…”

  1. would you say that as a 18 year old you were the same person you were at 21,25,30…I have lived many lives but in the same body. A young adult forging my way through life alone,free to do what I wanted,when I wanted.I then became a wife.Finally having someone that would always be by my side no matter what.Someone to talk late into the wee hours of morning,reveling in the newness of it all.Then as a parent for the first time.There is nothing that will ever compare to that right of passage.It becomes very clear that this is not our life to live anymore.It was about the angel that God had blessed me with.Scary,new,wonderful.She was born 2 weeks before 9/11,and at that precise moment the realization of the world I had brought her in to hit hard.It wasn’t safe and there is true evil that can’t be hidden from.My husband joined the Air Force 1 year later and so started the next chapter.I felt like there was something that could be done to assure our preservation and have never felt so proud of someone in my entire life.That first year was tough.I conceived another child while he was awaiting his first assignment.I lost that child a few months later, on Christmas Eve of 2003.Devastation is just not a big enough word to describe what I went through,and alone,so alone.Yes,he felt loss too but unless you are a woman you just can’t relate to what a mother goes through with the loss of a child.We spent that next year apart,while he was away doing what needed to be done for our country and our family.I turned into a single mother and long distance wife and just simply didn’t know how to be good at either.We eventually moved to our first base and were hit smack in the face with the realization that we were complete strangers to one another.We fought on though and in 2006 had our special little miracle child.We realized that our hearts were big enough to love another child just as much as the first.Then I got sick.Got real sick and this time it wasn’t going to get better.I was now a parent,wife and patient.Which is where I find myself now.About to go through another chapter of my life as disabled with benefits to prove it.This wasn’t the plan.This wasn’t supposed to happen to a 34 year old.But I must remember that it was never my plan to begin with.I found God…again,and again,and again,lol.My point is that we were always meant to change,be different people than we were before.Let life effect us,change us,otherwise we are not living at all.Taking time with the little things is much more important.Not just enjoying them,but letting them change us,mold us,spit us back out,and mold us again.Pieces of clay that can be any number of masterpieces in our creators eyes…and he said it was good.He said to have faith,to lead ourselves not in to temptation but to His glory,on earth as well as heaven.So,you see we are not in hell,we are in heaven already.Death does not guarantee heaven but life does.It’s ours to learn from and fight for,to truly realize the gift it is.He wants us to be ready for His everlasting kingdom by choosing to live in it while we are briefly here.Yes it hurts,physically and emotionally but it will give us wings,not chains.So,do you want to change like we were intended to do or would you rather keep your feet in the ground,forever planted in one spot,never able to see what’s over that hill but smelling something wonderful coming from it.Never able to chase it down and not only consume it but wrap yourself in it,let it complete you.We are born broken and can’t put ourselves back together,only He can.So easy or expert and he has to have ALL the pieces for the puzzle to become clear and the big picture to emerge.I know it’s dark and you can’t see but it’s because His light is blinding so we must have faith that in our darkness,he will lead us home.

    • Change is bad.. Mmm’kay?! 😉

      It isn’t the change I fear,
      It is the loss of self.

      I have done a somewhat decent job of fully throwing myself on and in God’s hands..
      But this….
      This is more than I can withstand…

      There *was* a time when I didn’t think I could
      Well… fail myself.
      I know better now…
      And it is a bitter, Bitter knowledge.

      I am at the end of me…
      No matter what happens…
      I have no problem growing, changing, learning..
      But that isn’t what I face now.

      I face extinction.
      Pure and simple.
      I know all of the psychological signs…
      None better…

      It is what it is..

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