So… At the Closing Of My Year (s)…..
October 30, 2012, 12:29 PM
**UPDATED 11/15/2012 – 5:35am***
While I sit here on my enforced vigil,
I figured I should probably fill everyone in on where
We are at on my case…
*Most* of the testing was finished up last week. Odd results on some, but still now definitive diagnosis.
I completed my interview with the new (second) lung Doctor as well last week. He (as did the first new one) determined there was *no* good reason to deny my treatment the use of “any or all” forms of pain relief. That I had and was taking every single step necessary to monitor for and mitigate *any* problems high dose narcotic pain medicines might cause. A letter saying so was faxed to my Primary and my Pain doc yesterday and *should* arrive in my mailbox tomorrow.
I am currently getting the pinpoint injections of the strongest nerve block narcotic available *every other day.* Along with that I am allowed (4) 10mg Norco tabs for breakthrough. They hold me just under the Screaming threshold… provided I don’t try to stand, walk, or drive. The side effects from the Marcaine are becoming… moderately severe… but we have nothing else left in our arsenal at this point.
I have a set of ultrasounds on Thursday on my hernia followed by a surgical consult early Friday. If possible, we will go ahead and schedule that *soonest* so as to get it out of the way and, in doing so, possible buy me a few days respite from the pain after the surgery.
The ball is fully back in my Pain Doc’s court. I am tired, sore, and worn out. Very little buffer left. Very little *Me*. I find it harder and harder to keep up a pleasant demeanor when I and my family are just getting shellacked every single day financially, mentally, and physically. I can understand that they *may* be ready to re-start my treatment *mentally*… but I have no hope that they will actually *do* so.. (At least not soon enough at any rate.)….
All but a handful of “loose ends” are tied up, and those would take me less than an afternoon’s light duty to finish. Everything is in place, either way. Everything is now at a stage where I have to put in very little effort to maintain it… because I have so very little energy left to do so…
I made promises to a few folks. Told them I would let them know when I was getting close to calling it quits. I even promised my doctors that I would try and hit the ER one last time. If I should o so, I warned them they either had to treat me *heavily* or just write me off at that point, because I wouldn’t face another dawn unless they did so. I’ve mentioned that I reset my “clock” every morning… That I do an unemotional ‘self-check’ to see if *this* is the day I end the pain.. For all concerned. All that is true. Fully.
I find myself watching all of this from a spot several feet back from my eyes. I am a machine. A dead shell. A mask. I feel very little anymore. No anger, sadness, hunger, thirst… all those things that makes one “human”. Those are all gone. With them Have gone many of the ‘safeties” and filters we all place on ourselves to maintain ourselves in “polite” society. And they are also attached to all of those ‘safety rails’ we put in place to keep us from doing anything precipitous. Something final. Something frowned on by society. I am frozen in a fog of forgetfulness and a haze of pain. Mentally I *know* I should ‘feel’ *something*, but the truth is.. I just don’t. Psychologists call that “having a flat affect” and “Dis-associative behavior/mindset”… A reaction to, and defense from something too severe for the mind to deal with anymore. (Often seen in victims of *severe* trauma or torture.)
We wait. I wait.
As I sit here….
I wonder why we are even going to all of this extra effort….
***UPDATE: 11/15/2012 5:35am
In four days I run completely out of meds. Again. I am caught between two hoorible choices. Two ungodly terrible options. These doctors and hospitals don’t seem to care. Cannot or *will not* hear me. So I take the lesser of two horrendous evils; I will either MAKE them hear me, see me, HELP me, Or I will die trying.
So many of us suffering like this are left alone in the darkness, with only the flies to hear our screaming…..
The DEA’s war on Pain Doctors and the Medications they prescribe has VERY real casualties. Your brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers, children. You neighbor or friend… if you haven’t yet abandoned them because watching a soul be tortured by untreated pain every day is so repugnant and hard…
What I do, I do for all those lonely screams suddenly stopped by their own hand.
I am tired of being unable to block out those anguished cries.
I am tired of my voice being one of them…..
Within 24 hours, I will publicly wound myself in such a visible, terrible way, memorable way that they cannot ignore me, and hopefully *ANY* of us any longer!
They seem to want proof of my pain. I have been to the Emergency Department numerous times, only to be given the barest amount of pain medicine, then sent back out into the darkness and the agony that faces me. When I ask them what I am supposed to do, I get that blank stare and silence that we who hurt like this are all too familiar with…..
We’ll see if they can stay silent after tomorrow…
If I do not survive this wounding, I pray that at least what I do will help start a *sensible* dialog on actually helping people like me.
And, if nothing else, I am sure that some avericious attorney will step forward to make these basterds PAY for treating a human being this way.
Time to put my “Iron Will” to the test.
I truly love you all…..