There… I said it…
October 26, 2012, 3:15 PM
There I said it.
I am afraid…
Shaken to my core in fear.
What do I find so abhorrent? So frightening?
I have gone too far to ever make it back again.
Even if the doctors manage to get their act together and treat my pain, does *any* of the man I *was* still even exist anymore? Cerebrally I *know* what that man lived, but he was a child, an innocent in many ways; a stranger whose face I share but whose hopes and dreams are no longer my own.
I fear I am not up to the task before me.
That somehow I will fail to hold or help those precious souls that society seems to have completely written off. That in my weakness I will let them slip through my fingers and be forever lost into the darkness.
I fear the scars my current struggle have and continue to leave on the still breathing, caring, loving hearts around me. Words and actions which I would *never* have said or done even 6 months ago, are jarred loose daily, even hourly, by the excruciating levels of pain I now face with every passing moment…
I fear becoming *so* ice cold inside that no fire or love will ever be able to warm my soul again.
But what is the *one* thing I fear the most? More than *anything* else in this hell-spawned landscape I find myself trapped in? Not even the *fear* itself.
Something simple, yet FAR worse….
I fear that the loss of feeling even *this*, this horrid emotion that quickens the heart and pumps up the lungs, that prepares the body for a fight or a mad scurry away from the danger.
Because that will mean I truly *am* dead. That I have nothing left to even protect any longer. Nothing to fear *for*
And All I will be able to use at that point is a quick ending for my undead body.
Because my mind , my spirit, that quintessential spark that is *me*, will have been broken beyond repair some hours or days ago…
Or already *has*…
That, is what I fear….