Where.. And Why I Stand…

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Sorry I am so slow in letting everyone know what is up…

I decided to take the “Human time” each set of shots/Norco gives me for 6 or 8 hours, and use it to get a few “chores” done..
Normally I would shovel in some food ignoring the taste of bile it invokes and
Force myself into a “pain Coma” to try and steal back a few of the multitude of
Hours of sleep I no longer can achieve through the constant haze of pain…

Everything has a price in Pain…. Now or later…
Even something as basic as washing a few dishes…
Or hugging my child….
And I am currently paying that price..

Actually, by 10pm I had a hernia flare and coughing jag
Worse than any in recent memory.  As I shed the weight,
The 5 inch umbilical hernia I have had for the past four or five years
Loses some of it buffering layers and leaves only a hard, sharp edged
Ridge that the coughing pushes my intestines against and through.

I often find relief by pressing against a counter or such,
But apparently now that just makes things *worse*
Whenever I stop doing so.

Add on top of that 10 or 20 minutes coughing jags where I can barely even catch my breath,
And you get a perfect storm of pain.

When I woke at 2am after 3 or so hours of actual sleep,
I actually considered going to the hospital,
As I couldn’t take a *single* breath without trying to
Turn my lungs inside out with it…


Why is it that all of semi-good times are
So heavily tinged with *massive* prices in PAIN?
It feels like some sort of terrible aversion therapy
Where the things enjoy are beaten out of us simply
By making the very things we *love* or enjoy cause us
Unendurable sessions of Soul-destroying PAIN.

After a certain period of time,
We come to actually *fear* the enjoyment itself…
How’s that for “sick and twisted?”
Mother of Meat!!!  Ugh!

So, on to the Doctor Update…

I met with my Primary.
We are basically all holding our breath until
The sleep study eventually is done and the test results from it come back.
To treat me with the levels of medicine required for relief,
Is simply too risky due to the DEA’s current stance on Narcotics.

We discussed finding out what the mechanism behind the pain is…
Nothing showed up in the tests and he admitted they just
Don’t have a friggin; *clue* why I am hurting at this level.

Normally, something this bad would show up *instantly*..
And I had *no* sense of that “It’s all in your head” we
Are all so very used to hearing, getting from our medical providers
When they can’t seem to figure out what is happening to us.

They just don’t know.
They and I are “flying Blind”..
Just guessing..
Just like we have been for over 12 years now…

I asked him to trigger point inject the front, where the Pain generates from…
He’s considering it, but fears doing so due to the extreme danger
Of hitting one of the largest arteries in the human body that
Passes directly behind the trigger point.

He’s going to order new scans using pinpoint contrast next week.
Going muscle by muscle as trying to find out what is broken…
Told me my case is a *priority* now for the clinic staff.
That they are marshalling everything they can to help me..

I get the distinct impression both from what he did, and did *not* say that
The DEA’s war on pain doctors and the medicines they use and
The harsh powers hidden in the ACA that  had given the DEA *broad* new powers
Tied their hands…
Made *everyone* SUPER cautious…

I am a walking “Poison Pill” it seems….
To touch me or treat me is worth people’s very *lives*..
They rno longer just risk losing their license or careers,
But *now* also risk up to thirty years in a Federal Prison Cell
Should the DEA somehow decide that *something* they did wasn’t…

The *scariest* part of the whole thing is that the DEA won’t even tell
Doctors what *is* appropriate in their eyes!
Instead they wait for a doctor to cross some unknown line then
Grind them as hard as they can into the dirt!

Medicine by prosecution…
Every7 pain patient’s worst nightmare…

So… Here’s the deal with me personally,

The Marcaine we are using (far.. far.. Off label) has some
…Significant side effects…
But is the only tool in our arsenal.
The rashes, itching, bone bruising,
messed up vision and balance
And CNS suppression

Are just what I trade the grueling agony for.
Fair enough trade.. For now…
I *made* the doc and nurse do a pill count and enter it to the record.
Told them to also enter that they would order a drug test at any indication
Of non-compliance with their directives.

I don’t want any “blow-back” coming at them should something
Unfortunate happen to me.
They are too rare a breed of medical caregivers..

He said we would be adapting my breakthrough dose next week.
Amazingly, I was dead on on my pill count..
Me and my stupid iron will.

I am too stubborn (To angry?, I don’t know)
To consider going “outside channels” to obtain pain meds.
Not that they aren’t available. They are.
Within ten or fifteen minutes…
And delivered right to my doorstep.

But doing so would risk my Primary Doctor.

And I would rather chew and swallow ground glass…

That’s where we are at…

Waiting on a single sleep test and the word of a single doctor.

Because treating me without it is worth the careers
Of every single doctor or nurse that has tried to help me….

I’m in hell.
A hell *completely* created by the DEA.
At the “mercy” of Big Government itself.
With all that it means….

And so  I dance on….
Crying out in anguish with every single movement of my body…
Nice to meet you,
My name is Utter Despair.

*I* am what government run healthcare truly looks like…


~ by daveprime on October 20, 2012.

2 Responses to “Where.. And Why I Stand…”

  1. Dearest Dave,
    It saddens me to hear that you are suffering so severely without any relief. I pray everyday that you get a diagnosis because once you have one a pain doc has more ” freedom” to treat you according to what’s acceptable for said diagnosis. My PA at the pain clinic told me that pain patients with a diagnosis are less risky for them to treat because they can follow a protocol in a patient with a diagnosis. It is not fair that just because your source of pain can not be diagnosed that you can’t receive pain treatment that is adequate. You know I’m always here for you and admire you for all you do despite your struggles. I too know too well how doing seemingly normal things come with the price of suffering later….. We are left to choose to do only one or two normal every day things just so we won’t be kicked in the guy later with unbearable pain. But somehow through all this we have reached many ” lost souls” that needed us desperately. Thanks for the ” gift” dear Lord! Lol
    Hang in there Dave, a diagnosis is coming and my German stubborn brain believes that 100%!

    • Annika, Thank you.

      I am so glad this terrible journey threw us together! Though we are miles apart, we walk much of the same dark path… like so many in our society today…

      I’m praying the same thing. Just let us know *why* my body is hurting so badly.. at least we (the doctors and I) would have *something* to shoot at….

      Right now, we shoot at the dark and hope to hit the target… and that is *no* way to practice medicine…

      Like you said, Though the price has been terrible, finding each other and all of our new friends is *worth* it…

      May *they* hear our cries in the night, Lord!


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