I’m Mentally Ill…. Yet Fully Sane..

Every morning, usually around 1am I wake to pain.
After a scant few hours of dreaming of being
Torn, punched, stabbed, shot, burned, or pierced
In any one of a thousand different ways.
I no longer dream of anything but pain

Still in Agony, I take a carefully thought out self inventory…
Is today the day I kill myself?
It is finally time?
Can I finally make the pain stop?
It has been so very.. VERY… long since I didn’t hurt.

I feel like a thin hollowed out glass shell.
This Demon called Pain has slowly but surely
Eaten me alive from the inside out.
One pleasant memory or thought at a time.
There is nothing left between me and the Beast’s rending claws.
Nothing to shield me from the Pain.

I close my eyes to pray and see only more pain.
I open my mouth to sing and can only scream.
I watch something funny and can only cry.
I touch the ones I love and feel only fear of more pain.
I no longer taste food, only the vomit that it will bring.
There is nothing left of me. Nothing.
Nothing
but pain, and it magnified.

I know I’m sick.
Mentally ill. I have to be. Anyone would.
Yet I’m totally sane.
Like a man on death row,
I now know there is *no* escape.
Nothing to end my sentence. No clemency.
Nothing to free me from my fate.

I go through the shadow motions of life
A walking corpse filled with nothing
But agony and tears.
Rotted dreams and clotted hopes.
Days lost to the Monster which I can no longer remember,
I no longer even have the strength or care to try…

I have been asked several times in the last few weeks,
Well after waking…
“Do you plan to harm yourself?”
I always honestly answer “No.”
And in the back of my head, “not today.
I had already decided that earlier that day, you see.

Right now my pain is somewhat controlled.
Except when I first wake up.
At that critical daily assessment time…..
And when I try and do anything that might
Bring me another ounce of pleasure to feed the Beast.
To hold It at bay for one more day……….

Or when the literally bone crunching shots
Start to inexorably wear thin…

..I……can’t….. I……….don’t….. I……. … ……….

…………………………………….

My meager dose of pain relief is quickly fading….
To four, Four hour even slightly effective windows a day.
What am I to do for the other 8 hours of agony?
How am I to keep the Demons at bay?
How do I stay alive?

Don’t get me wrong.
I don’t blame my Doctor at *all*.
His hands are tied.
The DEA’s war on pain medications have and
Continues to destroy caring doctors and patients every. single. day.

This Doctor of mine…
That Fine man of Honor and Compassion
Should be given a Medal!
Not have to fear losing his livelihood
For daring to actually practice “Medicine”!

But….things are the way there are.
As much as I wish they could be different….
There it is.
Accepting that fact, while difficult, is necessary.

So there we have it.
End of the show.
The credits start to roll…
I turn the page and begin the final few lines of the story of my life….

The final few sunrises….
The final few phone calls and letters….
The final few moments with my partner and Love…
I am so very Sorry, My Love.
I’m just not strong enough anymore.
Your “Knight in Shiny Armor” has fallen at last.

I……..

“Are you thinking of killing yourself today?”
No….
Nope!
Not today

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~ by daveprime on September 30, 2012.

5 Responses to “I’m Mentally Ill…. Yet Fully Sane..”

  1. Not ever!!! We need you. You give us pain sufferers a lot of support, laughter, information and even through your own pain you fight for others. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all you do. You are in my prayers and I wish nothing more for you than adequate pain relief so that question you ask yourself every morning will diassapear from your thoughts forever!! You are a great inspiration!
    Big Hug,
    Annika

    P. S. Cigars… 😉

    • Annika, you are a *wonderful* delight and I value our growing friendship greatly.
      You put up with more before 4am than even the *Army* does all day! lol

      But this……
      *sigh*

      I didn’t reach this place overnight.
      I was already worn out after going to the hospital.
      Even more so during the monthly attrition of the trust and belief that my pain doc actually had my best interests in heart.
      And, to be perfectly honest, the past two months has taken every little bit I have had left.

      I can no longer plan a week in advance.
      There is nothing of *me* left.
      Nothing between myself and the pain.
      Death is not *always* a sorrow.

      A hard lesson for me to learn.

      Don’t worry, I will work with you and the others to prevent anyone else from reaching this point of abject despair.
      This point where they *know* they have lost the battle and it is only a matter of which ‘bump’
      will cause them to slip and lose their footing on the rusty razor blade they are balancing on…

      Before any more tears or blood have to flow…

      I promise you i will continue this fight!!!
      One day at a time…

  2. I am currently on shots every other day.. and *4* norco 10/500’s.
    Yeah.
    Under-treatment is a *major* under-statement….

    I used to think the pain would eventually kill me.

    I’ve realized lately it already has….

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