Pain. Bone crushing pain.
It laughs at my faith and sniggers at my determination.
Makes a mockery of all whom I think I was or am.
Every second, of every minute, of every Damn day.
Like a lover, I wake to its caress. I fall asleep to its calling.
Every movement I make is studied.
Every step. Every breath. Every move.
Every single Damn one.
Every meal is my last. Every bite on a timer.
Is it even worth the effort? The time? The investment in pain?
Can I finish before the pain gets so bad I lose what I have put in?
Every Damn meal.
Every dream is colored by the pain.
Bloody bright traces of it assault my dream self.
Time and again I am pierced, stabbed, cut, ripped, and run through.
Every Damn time.
Every thought I have has this monster in the background.
Like a cruel librarian censoring my thoughts.
Refusing to just leave me be and let me immerse myself in the here and now.
Every God Damn thought.
I know its nature.
I know its name.
I can dance with it, anger it, or lull it into a low ebb.
But I can never remove it. I can never leave it behind.
Not for one Damn minute.
Is it any wonder I think of offing myself?
Is there any doubt I have long thought it out?
Every step. Every movement. Slow and deliberate.
Provisions taken. Things in place.
And like some malevolent creature, it sits by my side,
Begging me to just friggin’ do it.
Just step up and DO IT!!!
Every GODDAMN minute of Every GODDAMN DAY.