Another visit in the dark…..

Another visit in the dark…..

I sit alone in the dark.
Again.
Music playing on the machine near me,
Its solitary eye glowing with futility in the unlighted room.

I can feel its breath on my neck,
My old friend. My worst enemy.
That Hungry Demon named Pain,
Here for another terrible visit.
Here for its pound of my soul…

Locked doors don’t keep it at bay;
Nor do barred windows.
Always, it finds a way in….
Lights on, lights off, makes no difference.
I know it is still going to come. Eventually.
No matter *what* I might wish otherwise…

It rakes its claws through the old wounds again,
Freeing up those juices it feeds upon.
Bits of my soul flow away into the night, lost forever to time and space.
Unbidden screams come and go as I am used once again to sate its evil desires.

I am weak.
I am tired.
I am old before my time….
Aged a hundred days for every minute
Spend in the dark, merciless grasp of my old adversary.
Pain.

If I was strong I would end this half-life.
I would make this kind of thing stop.
Feeding the evil can only bring more suffering into the world.
If I were more a man I would not just sit here and be used this way.
And yet I do.
Just sit here.
And wait for the thing to be finished.

I’ve seen the professionals about this thing.
I have.
They say there isn’t much they can do.
Those that will say anything at all….

Some think the beast isn’t real.
Others feel helpless and so shun me.
Only a few are willing to face what is happening with me.
Willing to put their name next to mine
On this thing’s unholy Invitation List.

Oh, there are things that help keep it at bay.
Things I can take.
Things I can do.
Things that hold it off for a while….

But I am denied access to them.
Or given half of what I need.
Or less.
When I am given anything at all.

Again and again they rake me,
Those greedy blades of hate and hunger.
Slowly they slice the best parts of me off,..
Those glowing fillets of my soul.

Who I am flows away,
Never to be retrieved.
Who I was taken long ago.
Lost to the pain and the darkness.

Soon it will begin once again
On who I am to be.
My future self.
The man my family *needs* to be…

And yet here I sit.
And there it sits.
And the room and outside world,
Slowly grows light.

As the shafts of the morning sun
Cut through the dirty glass of the windows,
The thing gets up and slinks away.
Leaving behind a bleeding mass of injured child.

It has been sated for a little while longer.
Filled once again with who I was
And who I would like to be.
It instead leaves me here in this chair,
Merely a shadowy husk of the man
I would/could otherwise be.

And so I sit here in the chair.
Wondering if today is the day.
Will today be the day I will make it end?

Maybe tomorrow……

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~ by daveprime on June 12, 2009.

One Response to “Another visit in the dark…..”

  1. Reblogged this on A Walk Through The Darkness Of Chronic Pain And Depression….

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