Four Minutes….

I stand on the edge of a dark abyss,

Waiting for that one little nudge to send me over the side.

It hurts too much.

Sounds simple doesn’t it?

It hurts. I want it to end.

I am tired, so tired I wish I could just stop.

Stop hurting.  Stop thinking.  Stop breathing.

How hard should that be?

.

Four minutes to eternity…..

Four minutes to relief from all this agony.

Four lousy minutes…

And still they keep up their dirty little job.

Those faithfully ignorant lungs of mine…

Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.

Condemning me to another four minutes of agony.

Then another. And another.
.
.

I close my eyes and all I can see is where I go when this life is over.

I catch glimpses in my mind’s eye of that which could be,

That which will be….

Someday.

If only I hold on. Four more minutes…

.
.
It’s not that I fear suicide.

On the contrary, I would welcome it.

What I fear is the harm and pain I would inflict on those I profess to love…

What would happen to their souls?

They might never recover from the evil I would do.

And therein lies the trap.
.
.

If I stay, I scream silently through every second.

Of every minute, of every hour, of every day….

I go through the motions of living.

But it is all just a sham.

Something has killed the best part of me,

And left me holding the pieces of a broken soul…

Unable to move on, unable to move back.

Stuck. For another four minutes of hell.
.
.

Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.

A servant of a Master that did all this and more.

A poor slave of the man and God who came in the flesh to buy me another day of eternity.

And all I have to do is breathe. And obey.
.
.

Sounds tough, huh?

It is….more than you know.

The love part becomes easy….

Over time and with a little practice.

I am stuck here because I love too much.

A hell of a crime.

And my punishment is a perceived eternity of pain,

Before I can stand before my Master and hear those awesome words:

“Come in you good and faithful servant, be at peace and rest.”

*sigh*



Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.

Another four minutes in hell…….

Advertisements

~ by daveprime on April 30, 2009.

2 Responses to “Four Minutes….”

  1. Reblogged this on A Walk Through The Darkness Of Chronic Pain And Depression… and commented:

    From May 2009
    It’s been a LONG Journey…

  2. Hey there! This post could not be written any better! Reading
    this post reminds me of my good old room mate! He always kept talking about this.
    I will forward this page to him. Fairly certain he
    will have a good read. Thanks for sharing!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

 
%d bloggers like this: