Saturday, February 8, 2014
Why the Hell Do I Go On?
My therapist gave me ‘homework’ a short while ago. I have thought about it for a while, mulled it over, and here is my response:
“Why haven’t you committed suicide?”
“Why are you still alive? What keeps you going?”
As many of you know, I lost most (all for a time) of the pain medications that I use to brace against this terrible pain I live in. Every jagged breath is salted with pain, and every heartbeat is tinged with agony. Day after day, hour after hour, and minute after minute; the pain is there. Malevolent. Cruel. Unyielding.
A year and a bit ago, I put the barrel of a loaded gun in my mouth in preparation for ending my life. I was saved by a Private Message asking me to give the cause of those like myself without pain treatment a day. Maybe two. I figured one day wouldn’t *really* matter….
It has been a little over 400 days since….
People in pain in this country are in dire straits. Finding a doctor to treat chronic, intractable pain is becoming harder and harder to do, and even if found, there is a very good chance that they will not be able to purchase their medicines even if they get a scrip! It is a nightmare!
No one WANTS to be in pain. None of us WANTS to take high dose opioids.
We do everything in our power to fight on our own, and only break down to see a doctor as a last resort. As a last cry out for help before the Pain Wins and we end our lives to stop the agony.
To have them refuse to treat us seems like confirmation that our lives are not worth anything! Like we don’t matter! Like we somehow deserved our fate!
NOTHING COULD BE FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH!
So I do what I can to reach out to the thousands of people left to cry out in their pain, alone, with no one left to hear their faint cries. Sometimes just an acknowledgment that people are listening can be enough. Sometimes it isn’t, to our society’s loss.
Suicide rates among pain sufferers are WAY up. Astronomically.
Illicit drug use is way up as well, as people seek *some* kind of relief. (Heroin use among those over 40 yrs of age has more than doubled in four or five years… that should tell you something.)
These aren’t ADDICTS, they are people in PAIN, desperate for just a few moments relief!!
So that is reason one, I guess.
Second, is the woman I love. She has been by my side through everything, including this terrible journey of the past year and a half. Over the days, I have lost more and more of my mobility. More and more of my strength. More and more of myself. I feel like an empty husk. Like a faint glimmer of who I was or could be.
It would be oh so easy to slip away into the ether!
To fade the rest of the way into the darkness!
To give up and let the pain take my final breaths.
To finally find relief!
But I made a promise to my dearest Love. My best friend.
I promised I would try and keep fighting, and if I felt myself ready to take that final step, I would tell her.
I would give the system one more chance.
(The same system that has slapped me down at every turn. That has betrayed my trust and caused me untold eons of misery. That system.)
But I owe her. So I keep breathing. I keep trying. Long past my Point of No Return…
As a man of Faith, I used to think that no believer in Christ could really commit suicide. Now I know better. My God and Master are loving enough to understand that every person has their breaking point. Every person has their limit of endurance. Their limit of agony.
I have had to so withdraw from the world, that the only ones to be effected were I to cease breathing would be my immediate family. I cast no shadow. I affect no lives. I effect no response from the society I live in. I no longer count. It is what it is. *sigh*
The third reason?
If I die with narcotics in my system, the DEA will list my death as Drug Related and will use it to continue to create a false narrative that the drugs themselves took my life.
IF I COULD GET DECENT MEDICINES, I COULD ACTUALLY, I DON’T KNOW, LIVE MY LIFE LIKE A HUMAN BEING, NOT AS THIS BROKEN… THING!!!!
I am a little angry.
I no longer “Hope for a brighter future.”
I have no hope left.
I know, as certainly as the sun rises every day, that the pain will take my life. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But soon. Almost certainly within the year. Or the season. I can feel it. Like some giant clock beating in the back of my mind… SOON…SOON…SOON…SOON…
My wife carries our hope. I just don’t have anything but tears and numbness left. And nothing but time to stare out into that frozen darkness that is calling my name…