Pain Med Refill Day!!!

•September 15, 2015 • Leave a Comment

Glinting in the sunlight,
Lies my remaining trove of liberation and pleasure.
Slipping into a milky haze as ingested medication takes hold,
All I can do is sit back and let the balmy relief flow over and through me.

Ten lifetimes ago I was waiting,
Panting. Groaning. Whining. Begging.
For relief that never came,
Until fully registered and paid for.

This life-saving surcease comes at the cost
Of pride and humility, Self assurance and independence and
Bound within and without by an intricate web of promises,
Commitments, and instructions.

The beating of my bleeding heart
Slows as the two-edged release
Flows through every channel and stream
Of my shuddering, broken body.

Each cell grasps eagerly at the minute amounts
Of narcotic relief now being handed out to all comers.
Vision softens. Thinking reduces to basic functions.
Worries and intelligence blunted in favor of blissful inanity.

A smile works it way past rarely used muscles,
To show on my wear creased face once again.
A glimmer of the fun-loving, carefree being
Takes up residence once again.

Memory of tear wracked nights fades and is replaced
With a feeling of sunshine on lilies and bunny fur in the spring.
Attention diverts away from those things that matter to sentient beings,
To just above those of the mindless herd made only to consume and multiply.

Conversation resumes with smiles and goodwill,
An inventory taken of those found to be in attendance.
Laughter breaks free from a rusty organ,
As the snarling of that vicious wound is muzzled and silenced.

To all outward appearances,
The person in my chair sits in peace and rest,
While in some small corner of the dulled mind,
That spark that makes me who I am
Weeps and hangs its head in frustration and shame.


The Holidays

•December 19, 2014 • Leave a Comment

The holidays are upon us again,
And with them the Tears, Fire, and Pain.
Hidden from those who don’t know our trials,
And the screams of the broken and lame.

We too want the Warmth, the Love, and the Light,
That are so vaunted and valued by all.
Yet those are the things which seem so hard to reach,
From the depths of our worry and pall.

Everything’s harder when broken and harmed,
From shopping to cooking to cheer.
We wear plastic smiles and shine bogus lights,
That are expected at this time of year.

When alone in the dark tho‘, away from our friends,
We break down and howl out our tears.
Careful, so careful to wipe off our cheeks
Before once again facing our peers.

Remember for some the most basic of tasks,
Are a marathon of effort and strain.
That the simplest of gifts may sometimes be paid,
With a princely outlay of pain.

I miss…

•November 17, 2014 • 1 Comment

Some days…
Most nights…

I feel a longing for the days of old.
The sharp cold dawns of my youth,
Blowing in through the cracks around my windows.
The ice sparkling in the midnight skies.

I miss the smell of a 70’s Ford.
The bark of a log as it is split in the cold,
And its crackle as it warms the house.
And the smell of baking bread lofted into air on the songs of my Mother’s joy.

I miss the sharp joy at the crack of a rifle,
And the grief at the death of one of God’s little ones.
Gathered and prepared in simple respect,
Knowing that all things are subtly connected in life.

I miss the simplicity of that life.

I still catch fading echoes of those halcyon days,
In a stranger’s smile,
Or the sound of children’s laughter on the cold air.
Hidden in the heart of a poorly made snowman.

I am entering the winter of my life,
and I miss the winters of my youth.

The Men Who Don’t Fit in…

•September 25, 2014 • Leave a Comment

The Men That Don’t Fit In
-Hugh Antoine D’Arcy-

There’s a race of men that don’t fit in,
A race that can’t stay still;
So they break the hearts of kith and kin,
And they roam the world at will.
They range the field and they rove the flood,
And they climb the mountain’s crest;
Theirs is the curse of the gypsy blood,
And they don’t know how to rest.

If they just went straight they might go far;
They are strong and brave and true;
But they’re always tired of the things that are,
And they want the strange and new.
They say: “Could I find my proper groove,
What a deep mark I would make!”
So they chop and change, and each fresh move
Is only a fresh mistake.

And each forgets, as he strips and runs
With a brilliant, fitful pace,
It’s the steady, quiet, plodding ones
Who win in the lifelong race.
And each forgets that his youth has fled,
Forgets that his prime is past,
Till he stands one day, with a hope that’s dead,
In the glare of the truth at last.

He has failed, he has failed; he has missed his chance;
He has just done things by half.
Life’s been a jolly good joke on him,
And now is the time to laugh.
Ha, ha! He is one of the Legion Lost;
He was never meant to win;
He’s a rolling stone, and it’s bred in the bone;
He’s a man who won’t fit in.

I Can Feel It…

•August 17, 2014 • Leave a Comment

I can feel it…
I can feel it….
Like an itch in the center of my mind.
A need. A hunger. A driving desire.
Unfocused fear and anger coalescing into
An unthinking force of nature.

Every day it creeps into thought,
An unheard whisper to my soul.
An unspoken request in my mind.
An incandescent desire,
Burning its way through my will.

Silently it sits there
Within the reach of my broken hands,
As if mocking my self-will and determination.
Knowing all it has to do
Is wait for the petulant crawl of time to pass.

Like a broken steel fang,
It hungers for my flesh and blood.
Impatient with desire,
It seem to call out to me at every turn of my head.
It begs to taste me, test me, try me.

I can feel it…

But you are so fat!!!!

•May 9, 2014 • Leave a Comment

But You Are Too Fat!

“If you just lose weight…”
“IT is all because of the weight…”
“Are you aware you are overweight?…”
“If you would only exercise more…”
“You need to eat healthier…”

Sound familiar? Time after time, I get the distinct impression that many doctors and nurses cannot see beyond my weight. Yes, I am “obese”. I always have been.

It never kept me from being extremely active, however! Backpacking, camping, fishing, hiking, carrying furniture, cutting and splitting wood, and any one of a hundred other activities one can do in living one’s life.

And then the pain struck. Suddenly even walking was difficult. Every day became a battle to merely keep moving. More and more time was spent curled up in a ball, or laying on my side in bed. More and more nights spent the same way. It has been a losing battle.

Unfortunately, because of the pain, my activity level is far below ‘sedentary’. 50 steps a day. Maybe. So I gained about 70 pounds over ten years. And plateaued at 365-ish pounds. And there I stayed. I cut out carbs. I shrank my portion sizes drastically. Nothing mattered. Not being able to move meant that in order to lose weight, I would just have to stop eating. Period.

This was proven last year when they took away all of my pain meds over the course of 3 weeks. From 400 mg of morphine a day, to NOTHING. I lost 60 pounds in about a month and a half. Better than a pound a day. The effect on my pain? NOTHING. If anything, I hurt *worse*! (Possibly due to the lack of any ‘insulation’ around my damaged left hip/pelvis.)

They restarted the minimum possible pain meds. Just barely enough to keep me from opening a vein. Just. (Don’t think it doesn’t cross my mind daily.)

So, after waiting for the better part of a year to die, I have decided to let them hack me open yet again. They will cut my stomach away and leave a small tube in its place. It really won’t change my eating much, as I don’t really eat more than a few bites at a time as it is.

I feel little need to feed this broken body that is holding my spirit hostage and in pain…

It is what it is.

I am so desperate for better pain relief I am willing to let them cut pieces of me away.  To let them basically make my body starve itself.  They call this kind of ‘treatment’ “Malabsorption surgery”.  It is implied that the only reason you are overweight, fat, obese, is because you eat too much.  Because you have no self-control! 

R-i-g-h-tThat is what it is… *Eyeroll*

So in a month I have an appointment to start the ‘program’ which should culminate in them cutting away my stomach. Then I should lose weight.  Should.

I wonder just what they will say when they can no longer hide their refusal to treat my pain behind the image of my weight?

I just wonder

“Why are you still alive? What keeps you going?”

•February 8, 2014 • 4 Comments

Saturday, February 8, 2014

Why the Hell Do I Go On?

My therapist gave me ‘homework’ a short while ago.  I have thought about it for a while, mulled it over, and here is my response:

Why haven’t you committed suicide?”
Why are you still alive? What keeps you going?

Tough questions.

As many of you know, I lost most (all for a time) of the pain medications that I use to brace against this terrible pain I live in.  Every jagged breath is salted with pain, and every heartbeat is tinged with agony. Day after day, hour after hour, and minute after minute; the pain is there.  Malevolent. Cruel. Unyielding.

A year and a bit ago, I put the barrel of a loaded gun in my mouth in preparation for ending my life.  I was saved by a Private Message asking me to give the cause of those like myself without pain treatment a day. Maybe two. I figured one day wouldn’t *really* matter….
It has been a little over 400 days since….

People in pain in this country are in dire straits.  Finding a doctor to treat chronic, intractable pain is becoming harder and harder to do, and even if found, there is a very good chance that they will not be able to purchase their medicines even if they get a scrip!  It is a nightmare!

No one WANTS to be in pain.  None of us WANTS to take high dose opioids.
We do everything in our power to fight on our own, and only break down to see a doctor as a last resort. As a last cry out for help before the Pain Wins and we end our lives to stop the agony.

To have them refuse to treat us seems like confirmation that our lives are not worth anything!  Like we don’t matter!  Like we somehow deserved our fate!


So I do what I can to reach out to the thousands of people left to cry out in their pain, alone, with no one left to hear their faint cries.  Sometimes just an acknowledgment that people are listening can be enough. Sometimes it isn’t, to our society’s loss.

Suicide rates among pain sufferers are WAY up. Astronomically.
Illicit drug use is way up as well, as people seek *some* kind of relief.  (Heroin use among those over 40 yrs of age has more than doubled in four or five years… that should tell you something.)

These aren’t ADDICTS, they are people in PAIN, desperate for just a few moments relief!!

So that is reason one, I guess.

Second, is the woman I love.  She has been by my side through everything, including this terrible journey of the past year and a half.  Over the days, I have lost more and more of my mobility. More and more of my strength. More and more of myself.  I feel like an empty husk. Like a faint glimmer of who I was or could be.

It would be oh so easy to slip away into the ether!
To fade the rest of the way into the darkness!
To give up and let the pain take my final breaths.
To finally find relief!
So easy…….

But I made a promise to my dearest Love. My best friend.
I promised I would try and keep fighting, and if I felt myself ready to take that final step, I would tell her.
I would give the system one more chance.
(The same system that has slapped me down at every turn. That has betrayed my trust and caused me untold eons of misery. That system.)

But I owe her.  So I keep breathing. I keep trying. Long past my Point of No Return…

As a man of Faith, I used to think that no believer in Christ could really commit suicide.  Now I know better.  My God and Master are loving enough to understand that every person has their breaking point. Every person has their limit of endurance. Their limit of agony.

I have had to so withdraw from the world, that the only ones to be effected were I to cease breathing would be my immediate family.  I cast no shadow. I affect no lives. I effect no response from the society I live in. I no longer count. It is what it is. *sigh*

The third reason?
If I die with narcotics in my system, the DEA will list my death as Drug Related and will use it to continue to create a false narrative that the drugs themselves took my life.



I am a little angry.

I no longer “Hope for a brighter future.”
I have no hope left.
I know, as certainly as the sun rises every day, that the pain will take my life.  Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But soon.  Almost certainly within the year.  Or the season.  I can feel it. Like some giant clock beating in the back of my mind… SOONSOONSOONSOON

My wife carries our hope. I just don’t have anything but tears and numbness left. And nothing but time to stare out into that frozen darkness that is calling my name…