Another visit in the dark…..

I sat alone in the dark. Again. Music played on the machine near me, its solitary eye glowing with futility in the unlighted room. I could feel its breath on my neck. My old friend. My worst enemy. Here for another visit.

Locked doors don’t keep it at bay; nor do barred windows. Always, it finds a way in. Lights on, lights off, makes no difference. I know it is still going to come. Eventually.

It rakes its claws through the old wounds again, freeing up those juices it feeds upon. Bits of my soul flow away into the night, lost forever to time and space. Unbidden screams come and go as I am used once again to sate its evil desires. I am weak. I am tired. I am old.

If I was strong I would end this half-life. I would make this kind of thing stop. Feeding the evil can only bring more suffering into the world. If I were more a man I would not just sit here and be used this way. And yet I do. Just sit here. And wait for the thing to be finished.

I’ve seen the professionals about this thing. They say there isn’t much they can do. Some think the beast isn’t real. Others feel helpless and so shun me. Only a few are willing to face what is happening with me. Willing to put their name next to mine on this thing’s invitation.

Oh, there are things that help keep it at bay. Things I can take. Things I can do. Things that hold it off for a while….

Again and again they rake me, those greedy blades of hate and hunger. Slowly they slice the best parts of me off, fillets of my soul. Who I am flows away, never to be retrieved. Who I was taken long ago. Soon it will begin again on who I am to be. And here I sit. And there it sits. And the room slowly grows light.

As the shafts of the morning sun cut through the dirty glass of the windows, the thing leaves. Sated for a little while longer. Filled with who I was and who I would like to be, it leaves me here in this chair a shadowy husk of the man I would otherwise be.

And I sit here in the chair. Wondering if today is the day. Will today be the day I will make it end?

Maybe tomorrow……m

~ by daveprime on June 12, 2009.