A Brief update…

About three months ago my family doc discovered I had SEVERELY low Vitamin D retention and put me on magadoses of it once a week for, well, forever I guess.  I am supposed to go in and get my blood checked, but I keep putting it off for some reason.  No really good reasons, mind you, just SOME reason. hmmmm.

I have noticed a major difference in my depressive tendencies when I have been taking them for a couple of weeks.  Everything stops looking so depressively bleak and bleary.  thoughts of offing myself by eating too much fudge and whatnot rarely if ever enter my daily thoughts. (Nights are a different story, but being alone for hours in the dark IS an entirely different matter, isn’t it?)

My days tend to run on rails of late with the vitamin in my system. I find myself pushing too hard and then I end up sitting in my chair all night thinking about just how much I am going to hurt tomorrow, when i have to do it all over again. *sigh*

On the brighter side, I finally located a 1986 camper van (conversion) that ought to work out well for just throwing a little bit of gear in and going camping!  And all for $500!! (Plus a battery and muffler, but what can one expect for $500, really?)  Inside it is IMMACULATE.  And the body is straight and without much in the way of rust.  the really funny thing is the way they have the ignition rigged. They have broken the safety interlock and jammed the key in, and then added a separate ignition switch. (Push button, of course you silly person!)  Oddness right up my alley.

I refill on Wednesday. I can’t wait. I have done better this month than any of the past three, but I am still a bit short on meds so the next few day will be tough.  One of these days i might just get consistent pain relief every day of the month. But I’m not holding my breath…

Another Night…

I come awake with a start and shudder.
Sleep has fled.
I am alone once again the dark.
Alone to face hours without the sun.
Once again.

In the vague recesses of my mind,
I remember sleeping at night and waking after the sun.
At least I think I do.
Those days are so far removed,
So very long ago.

I make my way out to my dark throne,
Spied upon by the aqua screen of my only companion.
It’s single eye sees my pain,
My shame. My weakness.
And lights to show me a window on the world.

I make myself a hot drink and grab something to eat.
I try and make myself comfortable.
A lost and futile quest,
But still something I attempt every day.

Sitting in the dark, the screen of blue before me,
The sharp edge of the desk cutting into my arms,
I tap my way out onto the worldwide scene.
Wander my way out into the virtual freedom before me.

The first thing I check is the weather.
Funny that, in that I am not apt to need to know
The temp or weather outside my self-imposed cell.
I never really get to see it anyway.

Next I reach out and vibrate those thin silver threads
That bind me to like souls out there on the web.
Hoping that we can touch base. Talk.
Just be together via the interweb for a short while.

Touch. Vibrate. Gentle tug.  Harder tap.
Nothing. No response.
The web is dark. Silent.
*sigh*

So I sit here again in the dark.
Staring at the blind eye of the world.
Wondering if there will ever be a time,
When I will awaken after the sun…..

Surcease…

Sunlight wrapped in medicinal form.
Rotating glories of rest and relief seem to
Simply ooze out if its sides.
This tablet of mercy and kindness
Happily paid for with mere money.

I used to believe that one could
Only find personal contentment with other people.
How naive I was.
That was before.
That was yesteryear.

Now I know better.

Now that my heart is broken daily
And my soul shrivels inside me from lack of care.
Relentlessly beat upon and abused
By a careless enemy of my self.

I used to think of myself as the Rambo type.
Strong. Smart. Able to take on anything that came my way.
And for years I was right.
But that was before.

Before the pain.
The shame.  The helplessness.
The embarrassment of finding the edges of myself,
And not being able to take looking over the side.

I have traded the glory days of my life,
For a convoluted mass of ritual and time.
Every day blended into merely time from or to
My next dose of Hospital level Narcotics.

So I slam the hard little gems of peace and relief
Down my throat and wait for their sweet breath
To weave its life-saving vapor through my veins.
Waiting, ever waiting, for the moment of release……

It comes in a rush.
Like almost too hot water running down my head and back,
It flows down my sides and finally onto that
Bleeding raw wound that is the center of my existence.

I lay back and close my eyes,
Feeling the loosening of ever-tight muscles and nerves.
Blessed nirvana for a few moments.
A few minutes. A few hours.
A brief lessening of the maddening hell that is mine.

And I sleep the dreamless sleep of the content.

The Question…

“Do you have a plan?” he asks me calmly.
Studied. Rational. Reasonable.
He looks at me over his glasses and watches my reaction to the question.
Never seeing the warning lights coming on inside my skull.

How do I answer that question?
If I tell him of the hours of soul searching,
Dark minutes ticking by in my pain,
He’ll lock me up and throw away the key.

OF course I have a plan.
Long thought out and considered.
Step by step, motion by motion,
Like everything else I have ever done.

It started out a merely a stray thought.
That returned every day.
Day after day after day.
Relentless like the tides.

Several options presented themselves,
But in the end only one would do.
A melding of what I love and what I hate.
A spinning dance I could just let go of.

“Do you have a plan?” he asks me calmly.
“No.” I reply softly.
“Good. If you did I would have to take steps.”
*smile*
“I know.”

Every Day….

Pain.  Bone crushing pain.
It laughs at my faith and sniggers at my determination.
Makes a mockery of all whom I think I was or am.
Every second, of every minute, of every Damn day.

Like a lover, I wake to its caress.  I fall asleep to its calling.
Every movement I make is studied.
Every step. Every breath. Every move.
Every single Damn one.

Every meal is my last.  Every bite on a timer.
Is it even worth the effort?   The time?  The investment in pain?
Can I finish before the pain gets so bad I lose what I have put in?
Every Damn meal.

Every dream is colored by the pain.
Bloody bright traces of it assault my dream self.
Time and again I am pierced, stabbed, cut, ripped, and run through.
Every Damn time.

Every thought I have has this monster in the background.
Like a cruel librarian censoring my thoughts.
Refusing to just leave me be and let me immerse myself in the here and now.
Every God Damn thought.

I know its nature.
I know its name.
I can dance with it, anger it, or lull it into a low ebb.
But I can never remove it.  I can never leave it behind.
Not for one Damn minute.

Is it any wonder I think of offing myself?
Is there any doubt I have long thought it out?
Every step. Every movement. Slow and deliberate.
Provisions taken.  Things in place.

And like some malevolent creature, it sits by my side,
Begging me to just friggin’ do it.
Just step up and DO IT!!!
Every GODDAMN minute of Every GODDAMN DAY.

A Recipe From My Childhood….

For any others caught in the frozen waste that is winter, I offer this little recipe to help combat the blues:
SNOW CREAM:

(Makes about =/- .75 gallon)

1 Pint Heavy Whipping Cream
1/2 gallon Whole Milk
2 TBS Vanilla
2 Cups Sugar

Roughly 2 gallons of fresh snow (The rule around my house has always been that the snow must be at least 5-6 inches deep, preferably from a single storm.  Scrape the top inch off the snow on the ground, then gather the underlying 3 inches or so until you have enough, LOTS is needed.)

Mix sugar and all liquid ingredients. (By hand until sugar is mostly dissolved.)
Put about 1/2 the snow in a large container.
Cut in 1/2 of milk mixture.
Add more snow.
Cut in the rest of milk mixture.
Add snow until saturated. (There shouldn’t be much left.)

Mix lightly until all snow is cream colored and “wet”. (Don’t overmix)

Enjoy!

(p.s.  It helps to have a glass of cold water nearby to ward off the ‘Brain Freeze’ that comes from eating too much, too fast.)

A Dream of Flying….

Every night when I go to sleep, I can only hope I have a dream of flying.  Not personally flying, like a bird.  Rather flying some sort of craft/plane/ship……something.

The other night I had a dream. (The good ones, like the bad ones, stick with me.  They are as real as the waking world. Sometimes moreso.  I am afraid one of these days I will choose not to come back….. But I digress…)

The dream started with me in a flightsuit. (Always a good sign.)  As I rounded the corner, I saw my ship.  Standing on three supports, it was 70 ft nose to tail. Around 45 foot wingspan.  It was mean looking.  Glimmering black and blood red, it stood there in the night, shining in the midst of rising gases from the fueling process.  Ignoring the acrid stink of synthfuel, I climbed into the cockpit and fastened my five-point harness.

When I close my eyes, I can still see the controls.  The left hand controlled a T-stick throttle with HUD selectors, while the right hand rested on a flight stick.  Made for my hand alone, it wrapped back along my wrist and plugged in to the bio-ring I wore on my wrist.  This allowed the ship to monitor my vitals as I flew, and take appropriate action should they begin to fluctuate.  I slid my feet into the flight pedals and made sure they were secure and then hit the ‘authorize’ switch on the left side of my cabin.  I felt the flight band snug itself down across my right thigh and wondered if I would feel the needles that controlled glucose, morphine, and adrenaline( and other things) slide into my veins…  Nope. Nothing but a slight twinge and they were in place.  Finally, the helmet came down and clamped itself around my head from the sides.  When fastened, it provided everything I would need for the next 15 or 16 hours in the way of breathable air or input.  With its final click, I was ready to lift off.

Keying the thrusters with the left hand, I lifted ship about 15 feet off the ground and slowly edged my way into the launch cradle above me.  Once in place, all I could do was wait for the shipboard command to give the launch signal.  I settled back into my harness for what might be a long wait.  After all, one doesn’t spit out warships unless one is pretty confident that there is going to be fighting….

After a ?short? while, ((I’m unsure how long (the drugs see to that,)) my head clears and I hear the launch tone warning me that thrust is imminent.  Less than 15 seconds later I am slammed back into my harness as the launch cradle hurls my ship into the cold of space.  As soon as I clear the main hull, I jam my thrust control forward and feel my ship leap out into the dark.

Around me screens and sensors come alive.

“Fifteen clicks at 6 o’clock.”

“Weapons armed and ready”

“13 raps up and flying”

“Interception in two minutes”

Flicking my left thumb, the screen goes to FLIR and I can now see a swarm of sparks heading my/our direction.  They are the enemy.  Small, fast, and deadly.  They can outfly us on any given day, but we outgun them 4 to one.  I warm up the weapons pack and let loose a few beams to bring the temp into operative range.  Then the fight begins in earnest….

For an hour or more I dance with death amongst the stars. Sometimes near my home ship, sometimes farther out.  I fly like my hair is on fire at speeds that, except for the protection of my flight suit, would turn my body into red jelly.  And I am GOOD.  I weave, spin, pull out and dive, all the while chasing down and being chased down.  Enemy after enemy falls before me.  When my beams are too hot and must cool, I use missiles. Or ion clusters.  Or my thrusters.  Whatever works.

For a brief time I am ALIVE! The belt around my thigh pumps in just the right combination of drugs to turn me into a merciless killing machine!  I revel in the gunfire!  I’m in love with the trace of my missiles! I adore the exploding plasma before me!

The battle falls planet-side and we cut through and around mountain canyons and peaks at speeds that lift and lays back down the snow in newly drifted patterns behind us.  They continue to come and we continue to cut them down, blow them up, and tear them to pieces with our weapons.

And then, in the midst of a screaming roll-over, I wake.  Disoriented, I reach down for my bio-controls and the pain slams me gasping back to the mattress.  I’m back.

I lay in the dark silently weeping; wishing to have just five more minutes in the cockpit of my ship.

An Autumn Breeze

An Autumn breeze cuts through the air.

Slightly warmer than the trees around it,

It still chills my arms and makes the hair stand up on my neck.

Summer’s last gasp seems to have passed…

.

Leaves in their myriad of colors

Stream toward the round in a tuneless dance.

Never quite touching,  Always moving,

Moving with purpose, to the ground.

.

The smell of snow is on the air.

A promise of blissful white evenings and days.

A crisp call to winter, to days filled and bright,

With wisps of warm family mixed in.

.

I miss the warm summer,

It’s sticky, slow nights of love.

I miss the crisp springtime,

With rainy dreams promised,

And flowers and lovers’ delights.

.

But for now I have Autumn,

That short time of in between.

A moment of rest and respite.

I know what is coming, and what;s gone before,

As I stand in the gathering night….

 

 

A Recurring Dream….

When I close my eyes

I find myself standing on a grassy plain.

The hip deep blades of green

sway lightly in a dusty hot breeze.

.

I am well.

Whole.

Undamaged.

And standing in silver plate armor,

A four foot steel blade in my right hand.

.

Below me, the plain opens up and leads

Eventually to a river, surrounded by

Small clumps of low-lying trees.

Birds wheel in the argent pre-dawn sky.

Behind me I hear them coming.

As always.

.

I turn to face the coming terror,

And am shocked by the sheer devastation now before me.

Bare, cracked earth rises to a

Dead and Burning peak jutting into

The Pre-dawn sky.

.

Coming towards me at a loping run are the horde.

A mass of hatred and vile desire incarnate.

And i alone stand between their ravening hate

And the land I love behind me.

.

I raise my blade as the sun crests the horizon behind me.

It’s light merely bringing into focus

The horror coming at me.

I brace my feet and raise my blade,

Ready for another day of slow defeat.

.

Minute after minute I hack and chop

At the never ending horde before me.

My blade rising, falling, rising.

Hewing flesh like timber,

Destined for some homesteader’s morning fire.

.

The hours go by.

Wounded and alone I slowly am forced

To give ground.

Step by step they destroy

Every inch of this valley that I love.

Until I stand ankle deep in the water

Of my beloved river.

.

The water runs red and clotted with the

Chunks of gore I have hewn from my enemy.

And yet they still come.

I no longer see their faces,

The late day sun

mercifully shielding the horror from my eyes.

.

And yet I still must give ground.

Knee deep.

Thigh deep.

Hip then chest deep.

it is all I can do to raise my blade.

.

And then I am in over my head.

My dented, gore clotted armor

Drags me down.

Bubbles rising slowly to the glimmering surface.

And I awaken again into this broken body.

And almost wish I could have stayed there.

One more minute…..

One more breath…..

The sweet kiss of Life

It’s refreshing in a way….
That first bite when the blade kisses flesh.
That sharp pain/pleasure of drawing
Steel through yet another piece of me.

For a moment, I cannot feel.
The hurt, the anger, the pain.
And then…..in a heartbeat or two,
Fresh feeling comes flooding through me.

Shaken to my core,
I finish the motion I have begun.
And feel that sweet kiss of steel,
Leave its lasting breath upon my skin.

Like a bit of air that is new and never used,
I FEEL again. If only for a moment….
A minute, an hour,
An eternity.

And then I look at what I have done and sigh.
And keep the wet stuff off the floor.
This bit of unused life.
This spoon or two of unused me.

And I know that I won’t be back here soon.
This is the last time.
I promise. I swear.
Maybe…….