An Autumn Breeze

An Autumn breeze cuts through the air.

Slightly warmer than the trees around it,

It still chills my arms and makes the hair stand up on my neck.

Summer’s last gasp seems to have passed…

.

Leaves in their myriad of colors

Stream toward the round in a tuneless dance.

Never quite touching,  Always moving,

Moving with purpose, to the ground.

.

The smell of snow is on the air.

A promise of blissful white evenings and days.

A crisp call to winter, to days filled and bright,

With wisps of warm family mixed in.

.

I miss the warm summer,

It’s sticky, slow nights of love.

I miss the crisp springtime,

With rainy dreams promised,

And flowers and lovers’ delights.

.

But for now I have Autumn,

That short time of in between.

A moment of rest and respite.

I know what is coming, and what;s gone before,

As I stand in the gathering night….

 

 

A Recurring Dream….

When I close my eyes

I find myself standing on a grassy plain.

The hip deep blades of green

sway lightly in a dusty hot breeze.

.

I am well.

Whole.

Undamaged.

And standing in silver plate armor,

A four foot steel blade in my right hand.

.

Below me, the plain opens up and leads

Eventually to a river, surrounded by

Small clumps of low-lying trees.

Birds wheel in the argent pre-dawn sky.

Behind me I hear them coming.

As always.

.

I turn to face the coming terror,

And am shocked by the sheer devastation now before me.

Bare, cracked earth rises to a

Dead and Burning peak jutting into

The Pre-dawn sky.

.

Coming towards me at a loping run are the horde.

A mass of hatred and vile desire incarnate.

And i alone stand between their ravening hate

And the land I love behind me.

.

I raise my blade as the sun crests the horizon behind me.

It’s light merely bringing into focus

The horror coming at me.

I brace my feet and raise my blade,

Ready for another day of slow defeat.

.

Minute after minute I hack and chop

At the never ending horde before me.

My blade rising, falling, rising.

Hewing flesh like timber,

Destined for some homesteader’s morning fire.

.

The hours go by.

Wounded and alone I slowly am forced

To give ground.

Step by step they destroy

Every inch of this valley that I love.

Until I stand ankle deep in the water

Of my beloved river.

.

The water runs red and clotted with the

Chunks of gore I have hewn from my enemy.

And yet they still come.

I no longer see their faces,

The late day sun

mercifully shielding the horror from my eyes.

.

And yet I still must give ground.

Knee deep.

Thigh deep.

Hip then chest deep.

it is all I can do to raise my blade.

.

And then I am in over my head.

My dented, gore clotted armor

Drags me down.

Bubbles rising slowly to the glimmering surface.

And I awaken again into this broken body.

And almost wish I could have stayed there.

One more minute…..

One more breath…..

The sweet kiss of Life

It’s refreshing in a way….
That first bite when the blade kisses flesh.
That sharp pain/pleasure of drawing
Steel through yet another piece of me.

For a moment, I cannot feel.
The hurt, the anger, the pain.
And then…..in a heartbeat or two,
Fresh feeling comes flooding through me.

Shaken to my core,
I finish the motion I have begun.
And feel that sweet kiss of steel,
Leave its lasting breath upon my skin.

Like a bit of air that is new and never used,
I FEEL again. If only for a moment….
A minute, an hour,
An eternity.

And then I look at what I have done and sigh.
And keep the wet stuff off the floor.
This bit of unused life.
This spoon or two of unused me.

And I know that I won’t be back here soon.
This is the last time.
I promise. I swear.
Maybe…….

In the Glittering Dark….

Once again I stand at that brilliant black doorway,
Framed in ochre and gold.
A world ebb tide flowing past me
Through the doorway into the ether.

My heart’s blood sings in tune
With the chorus of voices that have crossed over.
They call back to me through time.
Inviting. Begging. Waiting.

In this place, unlike the waking world,
My pain stands beside me.
A ravening animal with no control,
No conscience, No end.

Its slavering ebony jaws reach at me,
Never quite touching…..
Always reaching, straining towards
All that is left of who I am.

Playing across the surface of the doorway
Are scenes from who I was.
Laughing, Loving, Virile and Strong.
All that I was and could have been.

And I stand calmly watching.
Gauging the rhythm of the flows.
Picking my wave.
Waiting for my time, my wave, my set…..

My time to let go of what is left of me,
And join with all the rest of me…..
On the other side of this needle thin
Shard of life and love.

This razor fine doorway of life…..
And death.

Update…

I promised to let everyone know how things are turing out with the whole son thing, so here goes….

So far, not well. They are seperated. (Officially) As I said before, she moved all of ‘her’ furnishings, dishes, etc out of the apartment they shared and then cut all of my son’s access to his pay/bank accounts. (Though she has been ‘kind enough’ to give him a little running money, but no car or way to get to/from work.)

He seems to be getting better, all things considered. He truly wants to work on his marriage, but finds it difficult when they can’t seem to get past long past actions. He admits his faults and wants counseling, but seems to be hitting a block with her.

It is just sad all around, really.

I advised him to secure his finances (while making sure that he continues to pay for all of their joint bills.) That way if things go any farther south, he will at least be able to pay his own rent and possibly buy a set of wheels.

trusting but safe.

I really hope they can work it out, because his wife is a really neat girl. She is just carrying some baggage from a really lousy past relationship, and tends to look at my son in the same light. *sigh*

More to follow if anything changes.
(And I promise my emo fans that the next post will be more personal…..)

Bad news

We just found out that my son’s wife has left him. She came by today in tears, trying to find some way to break it to him. (And to pick up the car he exchanged for one of our he is using for work.) She had apparently already cleaned her stuff out of their apartment and sent the kids to their respective grandparents.

*sigh*
I really don’t know what to say here. I can understand why she is doing what she is doing, but I can’t agree with the way she is doing it. i am a firm believer that one should deal with life in a straight forward manner. I like to deal with people head on, not by hiding behind phone calls, letters, or notes.

He is going to melt down when he finds out. Absolutely melt down.

Urk.

A rough day…..

My need comes on me like a fire that burns within while my skin freezes.
A general sense of unease rolls past,
Charging my body for a race I cannot, will not,
Ever Run.

Pain courses through me in waves.
Like the tides, there is no fighting it.
One can only ride it out,
And hope to find relief on the other side.
Relief that rarely comes.

Warriors in pill form come to the fight,
Are devoured and then go away.
Never having really investing themselves,
In the conflict to save my soul.

Every day is the same.
Every night is the same.
Flowing one into the other in an
Endless dance of progression.

And still I stand.
Beaten and bloody,
Sometimes on my knees,
Still I stand.

For now….

Dark Days

It hits me like a hot wind from the depths of the dark abyss.
This vile thing.
This carrier of death and disease.
It strikes with the kiss of a thousand blades.

Around me the daylight blazes brightly.
Children play.
The grass blows to and fro.
And inside my soul shrivels from the freezing heat.

Another day of darkness and pain.

And all I have to look forward to is an eternal
Night of the same…..

Here are all the pics from our get-together with Neo. Enjoy.

CarmenSense lookin’ awfully lovely.

Makin’ a break for the diner!

Neo, feelin’ buff.

Neo and CarmenSense. (And sleeping progeny.)

Some pretty good lookin’ folks.

Crafty and Cougar with Neo, CarmenSense and some crew.

Neo’s oldest scopin’ the place out for a quick getaway!

Me, Spawnling, and Neo’s Clan minus middle girl.

Everybody, minus Cougar

Mixed group – Outside

Caught!

The crew at their own table talkin’ world takeover.

Middle Neo-phyte coloring up a storm!

Oldest Neo-phyte discussing Pokemon with Spawnling

Neo

Baby Boy, Dancin’ on the table!

Neo’s pride & Joy Again

Neo, Carmen, and Baby Boy.

Crafty – Still pretty cute. :)

Crafty, beautiful as always….

Me discovering the food was made THAT DAY!!

Me at the Choke & Puke

Crafty’s new nails – Right

Crafty’s new nails- Left

Another visit in the dark…..

I sat alone in the dark. Again. Music played on the machine near me, its solitary eye glowing with futility in the unlighted room. I could feel its breath on my neck. My old friend. My worst enemy. Here for another visit.

Locked doors don’t keep it at bay; nor do barred windows. Always, it finds a way in. Lights on, lights off, makes no difference. I know it is still going to come. Eventually.

It rakes its claws through the old wounds again, freeing up those juices it feeds upon. Bits of my soul flow away into the night, lost forever to time and space. Unbidden screams come and go as I am used once again to sate its evil desires. I am weak. I am tired. I am old.

If I was strong I would end this half-life. I would make this kind of thing stop. Feeding the evil can only bring more suffering into the world. If I were more a man I would not just sit here and be used this way. And yet I do. Just sit here. And wait for the thing to be finished.

I’ve seen the professionals about this thing. They say there isn’t much they can do. Some think the beast isn’t real. Others feel helpless and so shun me. Only a few are willing to face what is happening with me. Willing to put their name next to mine on this thing’s invitation.

Oh, there are things that help keep it at bay. Things I can take. Things I can do. Things that hold it off for a while….

Again and again they rake me, those greedy blades of hate and hunger. Slowly they slice the best parts of me off, fillets of my soul. Who I am flows away, never to be retrieved. Who I was taken long ago. Soon it will begin again on who I am to be. And here I sit. And there it sits. And the room slowly grows light.

As the shafts of the morning sun cut through the dirty glass of the windows, the thing leaves. Sated for a little while longer. Filled with who I was and who I would like to be, it leaves me here in this chair a shadowy husk of the man I would otherwise be.

And I sit here in the chair. Wondering if today is the day. Will today be the day I will make it end?

Maybe tomorrow……m